Astrological addiction

Is there any room for astrology on the spiritual path?

Many traditions (including mine) emphasize the need to LET GO of the future. Let go of your little ego, worrying about what's going to happen to you, or what did happen to you. And they emphasize focusing on the present. NOW is where it's at. NOW is the key.

And I do my best to live in the NOW. But I still find myself fascinated by predictions about my future. Every Thursday when Vancouver's free daily comes out, what do I do? I take one out of the sidewalk box, flip to the back page, read my five-line horoscope, and then put it back. Goings-on around town be damned: I want to know about ME. And then on the first of every month, it's off to Astrology Zone for the full-on detailed update.

Astrology, fortune-telling, psychobabble, the whole shebang has been the purview of spiritual types since the beginning. Although in the last millenium or two the monotheistic West has attempted to make a break with this tradition and relegate such practices to "black magic", the appeal survives, and in this age of religious pluralism it is flourishing like never before. And in the East - as detailed in the fascinating read, "A Fortune Teller Told Me" - the tradition never stopped.

Why this pull? Why do even supposedly "highly enlightened" beings seek out and engage in these practices? Can we not dance with the cosmic mind as it happens, rather than trying to anticipate where it is evolving to?

Choice and fear

Yesterday I received one of the most inspired spiritual instructions I have yet heard. I wanted to share it (and also write it down so I won't forget it).

For the last several months, I have been preoccupied with choice and fear.

"OK," I've thought to myself. "I'm stepping out of my old habitual patterns... going beyond my normal egoic defences... climbing to the edge of my preconceptions... putting one foot out the door..."

Then suddenly: "AAAHHHGG! There's nothing out here! My road map is gone! I'm falling!! There's nothing to grab! What do I do?? HELP!!"

When you start to live deeply in the moment, you naturally begin to notice that you have defensive patterns that you cling too: a certain way that you deal with anger, perhaps, or with speaking in public, or with meeting a beautiful stranger. And once you see those patterns, you also begin to notice that you no longer have to stick to them. You have a choice. You begin to experience freedom.

But what to choose? Almost as soon as you taste freedom, you taste fear. You can't rely on what you know, and this provokes a sinking, disorienting, and sometimes dark feeling. Buddhists call it "groundlessness", and apparently it's a good sign. Western psychology calls it the "neutral zone", and apparently it's a natural part of the growth process.

I just call it freaky.

I've been asking my various teachers about how to deal with this, but haven't received much in the way of guidance. Until yesterday. Then I was given this:

We can think of ourselves as living in three concentric "zones" which encircle us. The first zone, closest in, is the "comfort" zone. In this zone we are in the familiar and the cozy, but things are sluggish and there is no sense of progress. Perhaps we can lie fallow here at times, but we cannot live here forever. The second zone, next out, is the "edge". In this zone we are challenged. There is some fear, and a bit of confusion, but we can handle it, and when we rise to the challenge, we learn and grow. The third zone, on the outside, is the darkness. Here, things are overwhelming. Fear and confusion cause us to shut down and burn out, and if we spend too much time here we can get seriously hurt.

Along the spiritual path, we cycle through all three of these zones. We often undergo challenging situations in our "edge", facing our fears with wisdom, bravery, and gentleness. But sooner or later, we get pushed over the edge into the darkness. We know we are there because our fear becomes overwhelming and we aren't able to make good choices any more. At that point, all we can do is stay present with the fear, know it is "just fear", and drop the need to do anything about it. Sometimes, we need to fall back into our comfort zone for a while, waiting to build strength so we can return to the edge and take on the next challenge. But this is OK! We haven't failed. To the contrary, we have succeeded: we have faced the darkness and survived.

As we watch our fears in this way, they melt. Facing the darkness over and over again slowly expands the size of our edge, so that situations we found paralyzing a year ago, or five years ago, or fifty years ago, become manageable now. And as the fears melt, we find that the energy they release becomes useful to us. Like magic, the fears gradually transform into confidence and wisdom, and then we are no longer lost. We can go beyond our habitual patterns without freaking out, and we are free, at least, to make real choices.

A special thank you to Brian Callaghan of the Halifax Shambhala sanga for this teaching. May this account be accurate, or at the very least, not a complete bastardization.

Dances of ecstacy part 3

At my meditation centre, we focus on... well, meditating. But surely on a contemplative path, there is room for movement as well. I know that some spiritual traditions have drawn on dancing - whirling dervishes for instance, and also Osho. And as described in the new book "Trance Formation", there is a budding spiritual movement among young people (and some not so young people) in rave and techno culture.

I have been to several events in the rave scene that felt more like a yoga retreat, or even a mass, than a nightclub or a giant party. And what I have experienced has been great - lots of connection, fun people, and open-hearted spirit. But I think we can go even further. While these ritualistic revelries make for a good time, and are far superior to the testosterone-and-silicon landscape of your typical discotheque, one important ingredient is lacking that I think could lead to an even more profound experience: wakefulness.

There is a certain awake intensity at meditative workshops and retreats. Sitting with your mind, learning how it works, and truly getting in touch with your egolessness allow you to live in the present and experience joy, deep peace, and faith. And there is also a certain vibrant intensity at spiritual rave events, which allow you to connect with others and to dance your hangups and blocks to exhaustion.

Could we somehow put these together? Could we start a dance party with a period of silence? Could we sit and recieve meditation instruction all day, perform rituals in the evening, and then dance all night in our hightened state of connectedness?

And if we did, how would we feel?

Dances of ecstacy part 2

Many teachings about spirituality, particularly in the meditative tradition, focus on stillness. "Sit. Just sit. Watch your breath."

This is great. Particularly in busy times, we often need to slow down our bodies and minds in order to focus on the present. And I know from experience that sustained sitting practice can help one remain more present in all aspects of life.

But what about movement? Isn't there spirit in movement too? Of course! This is where dance becomes such a useful spiritual practice. One can meditate and dance at the same time.

When I first started to wake up, I quickly noticed that whenever I danced, my mind wasn't with the dance. If I was out dancing somewhere, I would start obsessing - looking for girls to pick up, thinking about what my friends were up to, feeling jealous that someone was better looking or more charming than me, or even wandering off to the problems of tomorrow.

So I started going to my ecstatic dance class with the attitude that the dance was a meditation. As best I could, I would bring my attention into the present as I danced, and focus on the music and my body.

Wow was I in for a shock! The rest of the world fell away. For the first time in my life, I was able to really feel my body, the way every corner of it moved, the way little patches of it would heat up and sweat, the way little burns of exhaustion would kick off endorphen rushes. It was as if I had never really been intimate with my body before, never made love to it, never allowed myself to bask in the pleasure of my cells vibrating. By doing this, the world began to brighten and my mood lifted right up. I became more mindful of my body moving through space, not only when I was dancing, but all the time. And I over time, I could more easily get in touch with the flow of prana, and gain more control over it.

What is happening here?

My intuition is that dancing, like sitting, is a peak time when we can more easily merge mind, spirit, and body. While sitting helps us settle, dancing helps us flow. Blocks preventing our thoughts from flowing easily without attachment are reflected in blocks preventing our limbs from dancing freely without reservation. Sitting helps us get in touch with what is really going on in our mind; dancing helps us get in touch with what is really going on in our body; and both help us see how each is a reflection of the other, while also manifesting spirit.

As we work to be more fully aware of both body and mind, we find that we can be more joyful and relaxed in both realms. Our thoughts and our movements become more uplifted and purposeful. We become more integrated beings.

So what are you waiting for - go boogie down and integrate yourself!

Dances of ecstacy part 1

Ever been to a rave? Stood near the speakers, consumed by the beats and melodies of the music?

Or how about a drum circle? A really BIG one, on a beach, with flaming torches and people dancing under the moon?

Since stumbling across the spiritual path, I have been obsessed with the relationship between soul and movement. As I started experiencing powerful energies coursing through my body last year, I was driven to sway with the flows, allowing the heat and the electric charge to play me like a marionette. "This is amazing!" I thought. "Where can I go to DANCE this energy out?"

Much to my surprise, three weeks later I received an email advertising an ecstatic dance class: a mixture of kundalini exercise, yoga, and dance moves, all set to techno... It was one of the most transformative experiences of my life, and an essential part of my path. It also had the side effect of making me a better dancer!

The spirit responds to dance - when the dance is done with an inward focus, bringing yourself fully into the moment, following the imperatives of your own secret rhythms, and with permission to expose yourself to the world completely. As you achieve this, the moves flush out old blockages and fill your heart with ecstacy. It is better even than chocolate.

Both traditional ecstatic dances and the modern rave scene are places where we can get together and explore the nature of this transformative practice. I'll discuss that more later. But you can even do it in your home! How many of you have ever put on a CD of your favorite addictive beats and just danced? Try it! Let the music and the movement pull you into the present. Notice whether you have any inhibitions, even if there is no one watching. (Isn't it silly, being inhibited when there's no one else there?) And, if you can, let the prana flow through your body - the inner dance of spirit reflecting the outer dance of body.

Whew, I think I've worked up a sweat just writing that. Time to go out dancing.

How big are your thrusters?

Imagine your mind is a spaceship. (If you don't like science fiction, you can skip to the next article, which will discuss chocolate).

Your spaceship has the power to emit vast amounts of thrust, all the time. And it does! Zooming this way and that, burning off liquid hydrogen like there was no tomorrow. Thoughts constantly bubble out of your engines, churning along lines barely describable as sanity. Out of control the minute your alarm clock goes in the morning, you can find yourself zipping out past Planet X before you have even finished your Wheaties.

A little bit of research and introspection will reveal that about 98% of your thoughts are completely useless: a waste of perfectly good fuel. Nearly 70% are redundant. You've thought them before (and probably only a few minutes earlier). Another 15% are somewhat new but are an elabouration on themes you've already been playing with - another way of imagining how that conversation is going to go with your mother, or how pleased you are with your new digital camera, or what you are going to do about that late project. The remaining 15% are actually new, but of those, 13% are random garbage, often about the environment that surrounds you. "Boy that lady has a funny hat." "What does it take to get some service around here?" "I wish I had a chocolate cookie dough Blizzard right now."

Finally, 2% - 2%!!! - are not only new, but also useful. These are the thoughts that actually spur you to compassionate action, useful action. A brilliant idea for your thesis, an intense focussing on your work, a genuinely deep moment with your lover. All that other nonsense is really just a backdrop for that 2%.

Do you think NASA could survive if it wasted 98% of its fuel?? NO!! Congress would pull its budget immediately. We'd never get to send any spacecraft to explore our solar system and beyond; and even if we did, they would be propelled at random into the black emptiness of intersteller space before they could accomplish anything useful, there to float for eons as empty, lifeless shells.

The same goes for spaceship YOU. Use your fuel wisely. Approach all situations from the stillness of the moment, and use the thrusters of your thoughts in short bursts, to navigate with delicate skillfullness the challenges of this moment, and this moment alone.

Confidence?

There is no such thing as confidence.

"Whaa?" you say.

Isn't confidence what it's all about? Doesn't it get you that dream job, that dream partner, that dream goal? And those people with confidence, aren't they the happy ones? The ones with a purpose? The ones who "know what they want" and "get the job done"?

Well the joke's on you, baby.

The truth is, most of what we think of as confidence is a trick of the ego. The ego decides it nees something - this is the thing! this is what will make me happy! Then it creates a facade calculated to obtain it. It's like putting on body armour before plunging into the great combat of life. "I can do it. I can achieve this. I can feel great about me. I'm amazing!!!"

But the real person, and reality of the spirit manifesting in that person, is buried under all that armour. What appears to be confidence is actually a wall between your presence and reality, a way of cutting off your sensitivity and wisdom in favour of brute force. And that brute force is very brittle. It needs reassurances, successes, goals, possibilites. One strong blow and it falls to pieces; or the gradual wear and tear of failure and dissappointment eventually cause it to slough off like dried up, used skin.

Those people who "know what they want" and "get the job done" are suffering. They are suffering greatly, needing constant motion and activity and goal seeking to distract themselves from the suffering. They are fully living in the illusion that their confidence is going to get them things, and that those things will make them happy. Problem is, nothing outside themselves can truly make them happy; and so having achieved one thing - or having failed to achieve that thing - they quickly strap on their "confidence" and go after the next thing. And around and around and around it goes...

The truly brave way, the truly real way, is to let go of the need for confidence. It simply isn't necessary. Connect fully with the present; with yourself; with what IS. Let go of the need to "succeed" and just accept yourself, others, and the situation, totally, as it is. If you really need to do something, or achieve something, then the way to achieve that will simply appear. There will be no need for confidence; instead, the way will flow through you and the right action will be easy and obvious. And if no way appears, then there is no need to do it.

This may appear to others as confidence. But it isn't. It is simply harmony.

Portrait of the shaman as a young man

Our society is extremely alienating and dysfunctional.

Yes, you say, so what? Everyone knows that. But what I am thinking about here is the way we treat the spiritually gifted. The fact is, we don't treat them at all. We ignore them. We can't even recognize them.

It is no coincidence that all religious cultures decend from mystical, nature-based roots. There is a fundamental sense of magic and connectedness with the universe that subsists in all of us. The ancients by and large recognized the importance of this connection, and had a special place for those who had an affinity for feeling it and expressing it. These were the shamans. They were recognized as youngsters, given special training to bring out their unique abilities, and eventually took positions of special honour and trust in the community - positions which recognized and took advantage of their nature.

In our modern world, the shaman no longer exists. Those of us born with extra spiritual sensitivity have no reference point for understanding what we experience. We may go through our lives thinking we are a little crazy, wondering why we care about and feel things that no one else ever mentions. We may end up as misunderstood artists, mistrusted psychics and energy workers, or marginalized hippies. Or we may chose to ignore the inner calling, putting on a mask and "fitting in" as lawyers, doctors, tradespeople, homemakers - but all the while feeling like we are missing an entire dimension of life.

For myself, I have awoken in a sharp and shocking manner. The call hit me over the head with a sledgehammer one day, flooding my body with intense energies. Over the ensuing months, my perception of the world turned upside down. Colours became more vibrant, people became more transparent, and the world as a whole became a gigantic living thing, breathing and oozing with presence and sacredness. Suddenly my life as a government lawyer paled in comparison and lost all of its meaning with what I was witnessing. And suddenly I felt extremely, utterly alone.

I was lucky. I managed to find teachers fairly quickly, and a community where my new found perceptions were accepted, if not truly understood. But the signs were there all through my life. This crisis and awakening could have been predicted, even fostered and properly midwifed, by a culture that understood the ways of the shaman and mystic.

We could grow vastly and profoundly by developing our mystic culture, embracing the talents of those who have special connections to the mystery, and educating them to use their abilities and understandings for the benefit of all.

Spiritual illness

I have spent the last several days sick. Just a cold, but enough to throw perceptions of reality into whack.

In fact, during the past year and a half since my spiritual awakening, I have been sick much more than average. I have experienced a two-month flu bordering on pneumonia; sciatic nerve problems which caused immobility for 3 days and ongoing pain and discomfort for 3 months; an intense stomach flu, my first in many years; a week-long migrane; and at least a half-dozen "regular" colds and flus on top of that.

Now that my mind is more open, being ill feels very different from the way it used to. There is an anger energy that swirls through my body, and a disconnection from mind and perception. I have spent many hours meditating on the state of illness, sitting with pain and bringing attention fully into it, to taste and attempt to come to grips with it. By doing so, I have increased my tolerance for pain immesurably.

I have also discovered that pain and illness are more fluid than we usually think. By focusing into the discomfort, rather than running away from it, I have learned to dissipate and move it around the body. A headache can become a sore throat, and then an itch, and then an emotional sadness. I take this as further evidence that everything is just energy, manifesting and interacting with mind in different ways. To be on top of that energy! To understand its dance! That is the ultimate spiritual goal.

It is tempting to think of my illnesses of the last 18 months as a ritual of purification. As we gradually abandon ego and the neuroses of our past, layers of karma start peeling off, sometimes painfully so. It is like a large ship trying to quickly turn 180 degrees. No matter how clearly you can see the folly of your old course, it takes time to turn around. This creates a lot of drag and causes whiplash. Luckily, the path is about acceptance and openness - even of the whiplash that happens when you step on it.

Layers

The spiritual path is a lot like reprogramming. Where therapy is like visual basic, meditation is like machine language. By meditating and learning to be aware and mindful in everyday life, you develop direct access to the way your mind functions, and learn tools to change that functioning from the inside out.

As I have developed hightened awareness of my own mind, some amazing things have started to happen. In particular, there has been an "unpeeling" effect - the feeling that, gradually, the toxic mental goo that has built up in my personality over time is getting peeled off, layer by layer.

The result is both delightful and completely unsettling. I am beginning to see through my neurosis and paranoias, which enables me to make different decisions about how to react to situtations in my life. But how to react? Not the old way, but what is the new way? It isn't always clear. And what complicates it further is that, as layers get peeled off, I end up defaulting to an even deeper layer. Old habitual patterns start to reassert themselves. I often feel as if I'm regressing, behaving as if I am 16 again, or 10, or 6.

But this regression contains so much wisdom. Old, repressed emotions about my family, my friends, and myself are surfacing, emotions that I didn't even know were there. Anger towards my parents is coming out; childhood misgivings that I have always felt but was never able to express.

If you experience this kind of regression, it is tempting to think that you are moving backwards, losing something that you have gained your life's journey. But in fact, the opposite is true. You are removing layers of ego, generating clarity, and connecting more deeply with your true self. The peeling may be painful, but allow it to happen. As you do, you will find it easier to act with authenticity, and to completely accept who you are.

JL

New beginnings

You have to start somewhere.

This blog is/will be/hopefully will manifest as an attempt to record and reflect on the absolutely intense spiritual journey I am on. In the last year and a half my life has turned and twisted in ways that I never could have predicted or anticipated as my former secular self. It's as though I have woken up in a completely different world.

Rather than summarize how I got here, I'm just going to jump in to my reflections on meditation, karma, the nature of mind and reality, coincidence, and wisdom as we go. Maybe you'll be able to piece the story together out of the scattered bits that I reveal along the way, if you are so inclined.

And I welcome discussion from any and all who are either spiritually inclined, or are tempted to make fun of those who are.

JL